he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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