when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
