Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Randomize
