Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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