I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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