I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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