you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
