Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
