i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
