Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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