Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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