The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
