the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
