Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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