i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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