Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
