3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
