farters have to be the big spoon...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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