I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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