you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize