I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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