I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
