he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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