If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
