I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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