My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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