so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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