Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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