pedialite and red bull = repair kit
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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