I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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