you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
