i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
