my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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