If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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