pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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