I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
