someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
