after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
