i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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