i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
this hospital has no fireball
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
