I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
