Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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