a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
not ubering you a puppy
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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