the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
