I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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