me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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