My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
