Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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