I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
