She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
