I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
