he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
