Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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