Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
