I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
