i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
