Define "chronic" masturbator.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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