When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
