I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
